We are often our own worst enemy, either by judging ourselves too harshly or not taking care of ourselves like we ought to. I'm guilty of BOTH.
I've struggled with my weight since I was in my late teens and always hated the fact that I couldn't eat whatever I wanted without seeing a gain on the bathroom scale. I've gone from being "chunky" to overweight, then losing weight, then gaining it back plus some. Then I started having kids and in my mind eating more was ok because I was "eating for two", meaning I could indulge and no one would really say anything and even though I lost a bit of weight after having a baby, I never really dropped down to my ideal or healthy weight.
I had my last child almost 13 years ago and since then I've probably gained another 130 pounds. I know the last time I stepped on a scale I weighed right at 300 pounds and when I saw that number I wanted to crawl in a hole and cry. I knew I was fat, but somehow when you look at the actual number it's something you can't hide from any more and it's a huge slap of reality. We live in a society where fat people are made fun of and teased, passed over for jobs, and shunned to a certain extent because we're conditioned into believing that we all need to be skinny and fit into a size 2 pair of jeans, or that men won't look at you if you're fat and aren't built like Angelina Jolie or one of the Victoria's Secret models. It's no wonder women have such horrible self-esteem issues and doubts.
In reading about obesity and the various causes, I've learned that I'm what they call an "emotional" eater. When I'm upset, sad, stressed, depressed.......I eat. It's a vicious cycle, but when you don't really like yourself, or you're disgusted with yourself, you find other things to make yourself feel good or happy. At least for the moment.......until you look in the mirror again. Ugh.
But as I've eaten my way into this mess I've noticed something else that I deal with every day and it's pain. I'm in pain when I go to bed, I wake throughout the night because I'm uncomfortable and often have to get out of bed and stay up, even if it's 3am. Mornings are generally the best time for me to do things around the house, but then by noon or so I need to take a few Ibuprofen and lay down. It does help, and I feel a bit better when I get up, but I'm still exhausted all the time. My mother-in-law swears I have Fibromyalgia and while I match up with the symptoms I've never been officially diagnosed, but I did have some blood work done to rule out other causes and the doctor said she felt that's what I have but that's as far as I've gone with it. But even so, I know in my head that my weight has put a huge strain on my body and I'm sure that's partially why I feel the way I do.
Irregardless, I'm finally in the right frame of mind and determination, to lose this weight and do it the right way. I just got my Richard Simmons' Food Mover in the mail today and set my start date for Tuesday, November 1st. My goal is to lose 5 pounds a month until I lose my overall goal of 135 pounds. I may need to lose a bit more but for now, this is my goal and this is my first blog entry about my weight loss. So, here the journey begins!
I plan on including pictures at least once a month, so that I can share the changes I'm going through with you, friends and family. One day, I'll be able to look at those first pictures and it'll be fun to compare them to the new, and healthier me. Boy, won't that be a shock?!
Thanks for letting me share such a personal thing with you. It's not something I would normally do, but I'm trying very hard to not be so inwardly shy about some things, and maybe be afraid of what someone 'might' say. Hope that doesn't sound too silly!
In any rate, I hope you all have a great weekend.
Take care. :)
This post is part of the "On My Mind" feature over at Down To Earth.